Let’s talk about blow jobs!
Note: I can only speak from personal experience, and the tips and tricks below are things I’ve learnt over the years giving head to dildos, penises and the like. This post is also phallus orientated, occasionally penis orientated, and sometimes orgasms in relation to penises orientated.
I love blow jobs. Not only do I adore them from a control aspect, but the sadistic part of me likes playing with teeth and pressure. However, one part of me that doesn’t like giving head is my jaw. I have TMD – essentially my jaw hates repetitive movement, and I get periods of intense pain where I can barely open my mouth, though the symptoms of TMD and intensity can vary from person to person. Put all these things together and blow jobs really aren’t conducive to decent jaw health. But I’ve never been one to be deterred by a little (or a lot) of pain, so I’ve been able to find workarounds and tips to help me cope with oral sex.
The inspiration for writing this piece came from giving the Gent head (I know, how shocking) and the conversation went a little something like this:[To set the scene, we’d only just finished fooling around when I reached for my phone.]
Me: “You know I love you, but I really need to write something down before I forget it. I have a terrible memory.”
Me: “I thought new idea for a blog post! ‘Tips on giving head somewhat painlessly’.”
Gent: *Sigh* “At least you weren’t writing them down whilst doing it.”
Me: “You weren’t blindfolded, so I couldn’t get away with it.”
On to the tips!
My first and most important piece of advice is to talk with your partner before any oral sex happens. There will be workarounds for whatever you’re working with, but you have to talk – they can’t read your mind.
I’d also strongly suggest you don’t play around with oral until they know you have jaw problems. That way you’ll be sure they won’t push you past your limit – even if they don’t mean to do so. You know the physical limitations of your body, and whilst it’s fun to push them occasionally, pushing them too far for 5 extra minutes of fun for your partner might mean weeks of pain for you.
2. Know your limits.
Find your jaw sweet spot – whatever gap you feel comfortable opening your mouth to is the gap you should be playing with. Don’t stretch it for the sake of deep-throating, or trying something new if your jaw is feeling tender. You can save heavier play for another day, or alternatively use other tools in your sex toolbox to enjoy your time together.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating a bit when I amp up the foreplay before giving head, but it helps in the long run, particularly if I feel like giving head to competition standard that day. Theory is, the more we fool around before, the less time I’ll be opening my jaw and making it tender.
If you really want to give your partner a blowjob but your jaw isn’t having any of it -or you know it’s going to hurt no matter what you do- remember to take your usual painkillers, either before play starts, or keep them handy for after. Having a bottle of water by the bedside to pop pills is also a good idea.
5. Avoid the booze!
Personal experience and science have taught me that the more you drink, the harder it is to orgasm. With that in mind, if you and your partner are feeling up for oral gymnastics, make sure to do it before any alcohol consumption.
6. Heat packs.
This one is a little odd, and if you’re at the stage where painkillers aren’t helping too much, I’d recommend saving oral for another day.
I will forever praise heat packs. On the days where I’m just interested in giving head I’ll put an electric heat pad under the quilt, lie down with the side of my jaw that hurts on top of it, and rest there whilst I lick, fondle, and go to (gentle) town. The heat helps to relax the muscles in my jaw, and I still get to have fun. Just remember not to put the heat pack up too high!
Bonus tip: a hot water bottle works just as well, can give height to prevent straining your neck, and provides interesting leverage to roll your head backwards and forwards.
7. Get comfy.
Whilst head hovering over your partner’s member is a great position, it’s maybe not the best for those with jaw problems. Bobbing up and down repeatedly for any amount of time is going to put the neck in a weird position. When you add the strange jaw position, it’s a recipe for disaster. Sitting on the couch and having your partner come to you, sitting on the floor whilst you kneel in between their legs, lying on the bed with your head on the quilt, and any variation thereof are all good alternatives to strenuous head bobbing.
The more you use, the easier it will be. Whether you use pre-cum, saliva, or lubricants designed for oral sex, the more lube you have in and around your mouth, the less friction there will be and the easier you’ll find bobbing up and down, and in and out.
9. Just the tip.
The tip of the penis contains a heck of lot of nerves, and you can play with that. Just sucking or licking the head can be just as effective as deep-throating when it comes to pleasure. A big part of that is down to the frenulum – that little join where the head meets the shaft of the penis, it is incredibly sensitive. So, use your tongue whilst you’ve your mouth around their member to increase sensation.
10. Speaking of: sensation play!
Depending on your partner’s preferences and limits, blindfolds, ball gags, headphones, and restraints can all play a part in giving head. Blocking out one sensation – for example sight, can heighten others, increase arousal, and making your partner more focused on what’s going down below. Just make sure you have safe words for both of you in play. Sometimes I literally ‘tap out’ when my jaw has reached its limit, so we move on to other things.
11. Take breaks.
Is your partner just on the cusp of orgasm but your jaw is killing you? Time prolong the pleasure!
No matter your partner’s proximity to orgasm, or even if you’ve been playing around with your new strap-on for hours, breaks are good. Recognise when your body needs one, and when your jaw is getting too worked up or tight. This could mean pain later.
12. Avoid too much jaw use before oral sex.
And I don’t just mean eating! Make sure to watch tooth grinding, clenching of teeth, chewing gum, or anything that can aggravate symptoms. I’m not saying take a vow of silence, but a few hours consciously relaxing the jaw will go a long way towards reducing pain during oral.
13. Size down.
Girthy toys are great for penetration, but maybe not so much when it comes to fitting them in your mouth. Swap out whatever dildo you’re using for penetration for a smaller one when giving head, then size up again when you’re both ready to go. That way, you can still play with the toys you want, but don’t have to suffer through feeling your size queen preference in your jaw.
Pillows, blankets, and even yoga blocks can help elevate your head into a more comfortable position, and can cushion your jaw.
Bottom line: use all the tools you have available at your disposal to make oral sex comfortable for everyone involved, and get creative!
Do you have jaw pain/TMD, like giving head, or oral sex, and have any tips? Leave them in the comments below!
I hope to write a part 2 focusing on oral sex on vulvas soon.