My FetLife Inbox, Part 1

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FetLife, the Facebook of kinksters. Over the years I’ve received a number of eloquent, well structured, and positively delightful messages from members of FetLife. (Note: that last sentence was full of sarcasm.) I’ve even taken to reading them out online when I stream, set to the tune of Aria Da Capo. However, sometimes reading them out doesn’t convey the emotion behind the text. Sometimes, you just need to see the text.

So, without further ado, here we go! In no particular order, here are some of the best worst FetLife messages I’ve ever received.

1. I’m going to start with a more recent one – one I received just the other day. I got blocked by this lovely fella because I didn’t reply to his message. That’s it. If only it was that easy to block communication from the rest of the people on this list.

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2. Going back a few years, but this chap really knows how to make a first impression.

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3. I just … have … no … words …

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4. Now, I did debate whether or not to put this one in, but the first thought I had upon reading this message was that he wanted to eat me. I don’t know about you, but ‘yummy’ is the type of word I normally reserve for food.
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5. God loves me. God

6. I managed to say this in all in one breath. See if you can do the same.

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7. A few years ago, I got this little gem. This is only a snapshot, as the full message is nearly three times as long as this excerpt. The words ‘Sadist’, ‘in a relationship’, and ‘not interested in meeting people’ were all on my profile at the time of receiving this message.

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8. I get a lot of messages complaining that I’m ‘too far away’. This baffles me.

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9. Sadist, yes. Butcherer of humans, no. 

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10. And last, but in no way least … my favourite:

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At the time of writing this post, I have over 150 pages of FetLife messages. Zero are unread. I’ve barely scratched the surface of all the misspelt, and utterly ridiculous messages I’ve received.